Son of Beast: Hurts in Ways I Didn’t Think Possible
I love my son Ben. He’s a great kid loaded with enthusiasm (sometimes too much) and creative thinking. As my parents modeled for me, I wanted to show Ben that I loved him in a tangible way, in a language he would understand. So I decided to take him on a trip where it was just “me and him.”
As summer approached and the number of amusement park advertisements increased, it became obvious where his passions lay. So what follows is a diary of sorts chronicling how a boy and his (old) father spent a grand day at King’s Island.
7:42: I wake Ben up. He has a smile on his face. He still didn’t know what I had planned so the mystery was intact.
7:53: We show Ben the e-tickets to King’s Island and said, “All right! All right!” I replied, “Ok buddy, let’s hit it.” I never meant that literally but by the end of this story, you’ll see that I was on the losing end of that fight.
9:05: Driving up to Cincinnati we enjoy some Rush and Radiohead to get us ready to rock this place.
9:59: We arrive at our parking space at the perfect time to enter the park right as it opens. We open our doors and hear the final phrase over the loud speakers… ”the land of the free, and the home, of the brave.” Play ball!
10:06: Ben asks the first of 1,273 times, “What do you wanna do now?” We decide to make efficient use of our limited (if you can call 12 full hours limited) time at the park and head for the nearest coaster. It turns out the nearest is Invertigo. I don’t like the sound of that.
10:27: Let’s just say the ride lived up to its name as my chronic motion sickness disease wakes up and says, “I’m baaaaaack!”
10:39: No time to waste, what’s next? Congo Falls. No lines, no waiting, just 37 thousand gallons of murky water splashing down upon us. I wasn’t even hot yet.
10:42: Part of the joy for a young boy is being able to brag about what coasters you’ve ridden. Even though Ben didn’t love Invertigo, he did make it through relatively unscathed. So with a boldness that frightens me, Ben says let’s ride Son of Beast.
11:02: I won’t spend a lot of time describing our time on Son of Beast because it’s easily summed up with one word. Pain. This thing throws you around like a grizzly bear on crack. I left the ride with my right ring finger bleeding from a small gash. I am now the proud owner of a beautiful purple bruise on my knee and my ever-present nausea now reached to even greater heights.
11:05: Of course, since we’re over in this part of the park, we might as well take in Flight Deck. It doesn’t look too intimidating.
11:24: If I had only ridden this one coaster, all would have been grand. It was very smooth and actually quite fun, but hot on the heels of the previous three, I’m now reduced to a walking, talking husk of a man. 42 years of life have never felt so heavy.
11:33: I wisely guide us towards an early lunch. I had previously considered some spicy wings or even Cincinnati’s own Skyline chili. Now I can only partially digest a weak grilled chicken salad. Ben eats 6 bites of his chicken sandwich and is like, “Ok, let’s go!”
11:40: Part of the plan had always been to take in the Water Park—Boomerang Bay. Right now, that’s my favorite part of the plan. Of course, it’s completely on the other side of the world. That’s fine. It’ll give my stomach time to quit doing back-flips.
11:58: We arrive at Boomerang Bay. Let’s check out those rental lockers. 13 bucks?! Wow. That’s pretty steep. And I thought the $8.75 for a sickly grilled chicken sandwich was high. No thanks; we’ll just throw our shoes out onto the plain of debris that is Land of 10,000 Lawn Chairs. Surely, no one will find them there.
1:15: Lots of great rides here. The Tasmanian Typhoon (a giant funnel) was wondrous. The tall racing tubes (Coorangatta Racers) were a lot of fun. We even spent some time drifting down the lazy Sydney Sidewinder. I even enjoyed the “everything Australian motif.” Why go back to the park at all? I could stay here the rest of the day. Oh yeah, no sunscreen. D’oh! As we run back to our shoes/shirts, burning 3 layers of epidermis off the bottom of our feet, I shrug off the burning pain on my cheeks, nose and shoulders thinking, “Pfft. Sunburn? I never burn.”
1:36: There’s still a great deal to take in. My renegade stomach seems to have calmed down a bit so we venture forth. We head over to King’s Island’s classic coaster—The Racer. Great fun, up and down, with no big turns. I’ll give it the thumbs up. It’s very cool that for many of our rides, the lines have been slim to none. We take in Adventure Express while we’re here. We’re on a roll! I’m only Level 2 wobbly at this point.
2:49: As we crisscross the park looking for a Rockstar energy drink machine (Ben constantly talks about energy drinks, must be his cousin’s influence), we enjoy the sites and sounds of the amusement park. The weather is wonderful and all is good in the world. After Ben has digested exactly what happened to him on Son of Beast, both the Firehawk and The Beast are now considered as “no way” rides. Even The Vortex is off limits. Do you think I’m upset about this development? If you could see the number of somersaults my stomach is performing, you’d know the answer.
3:02: We take in the log ride. I was this close to buying our log ride photo. My purposefully goofy face (not to be confused my standard goofy face) is very well done on this shot. I’m not really cheap, it’s just when bottled water costs $3.25 and they won’t even let you refill your own sodas, that doesn’t make you want to give the park any more money than what’s essential for a good time.
3:17: So far, Ben’s favorite ride was Flight Deck so we head back for another ride. Of course, it would have to be on the opposite side of the park… again. I do believe I’ve walked more today than in the last month combined. If this is what it feels like to be 42, I’m not looking forward to 52. This time, when I click down the overhead security bar, I push it one notch too far. I’m totally immobile. I can’t move. Did I tell you I have claustrophobia? Well I do. The only thing that kept me from totally freaking out and yelling for the crew to “Let me out!!!” was that I would lose serious cool points with my son. I was able to keep things under control during the next 127 seconds until the ride started moving when my claustrophobia was quickly replaced with I’m-gonna-hurl-aphobia.
3:45: We head over to SpongeBob’s 3-D Adventure. Complete with 3-D glasses and gyrating, rumble chairs, it’s a great ride. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ben laugh so much. I highly recommend it. Only downside? The ride took my own internal disruption to whole new levels. Does the park rent walking sticks to decrepit old men? I also have the beginnings of a truly special headache. What’s happening to me?
3:57: As we’re walking, Ben asks “Dad, do you need to sit down?” Whatever gave you that idea son? Was it the vacant stare? The beading perspiration in places where people don’t normally sweat? Or, was it the soft whimpering of a man faced with his own mortality. “Yes Ben, I think that’s a good idea.”
4:22: Sitting is the shade, wondering how we could possibly have fun without actually getting onto a ride that moves, I suggest it might be time for an early dinner. Ben agrees. What a good boy he is.
4:39: I had promised Ben we’d get pizza for dinner. Pizza restaurant #1 is the closest and it is air conditioned. Only problem, it also has a stage where some Hollywood-wanna-be is belting out a predictably yucky country song. I wouldn’t be able to keep the food down in that place so we depart.
4:45: Pizza restaurant #2 has no country music. It also doesn’t have a place to sit down. I’ve not heard a single health advocate recommend eating while standing so we head out.
4:54: Pizza restaurant #3 is the original LaRosa’s. Ok. Let just find a place to sit down out of the sun and enjoy our over-priced, machine-made pizza. Do you think it’d be a good idea to ask a stranger to check my forehead to see if I have a fever? Never mind, it’s probably just my sunburn. I’d purchase some painkillers for my headache but I’m guessing they’ll want $15 and a pint of blood. No worries mate!
5:15: We start the final calculations: Which rides do we have to ride and how much time do we have left? Since we just ate, I talk Ben into riding Scooby-Doo & the Haunted House. Ben thinks it’s a kiddie ride. Ben is right but I don’t care. It moves slowly and is air-conditioned. Did you write that down parents?
5:59: Other than air-conditioning, the only other way to cool down is water, so we hit Congo Falls one more time. After the ride, Ben overdoses by standing on the bridge, taking in a full wall of water. Every inch of his body is now wet. Ahh… to be young again!
6:40: Earlier in the day we tried to ride White Water Canyon but the line was too long. Now that temps have cooled, the line is much shorter. We did have to walk back to the complete other side of the park (yet again) to get there, but that’s what Dads do. My old man knees are acting up and I feel like one of those caricatures from television. After the ride, I am now as wet as Ben. I actually took off my shirt and wrung out some water. Good times!
7:19: We walk around a bit. Get a Cinnabon. Check out some of the prize booths. I explain to Ben that they’re really money traps. He still thinks he can make the shot on his first try. I say, “How about you try it with your own money?” I was in a better mood at the beginning of the day.
8:02: Ok, we’re nearing the time for the official Last Ride of the Day. We decide on the Backlot Stunt Coaster. As we’re making our way towards it, we pass The Crypt which had been closed earlier. We opt for this ride instead. This is a decision we will both be regretting shortly.
8:20: After waiting in the longest line of the day, we’re ushered into the scary inner-sanctum (the room before the ride) and are told, “Put whatever items you’re carrying in the pouch in front of you and zip it closed. Whatever you don’t put in the pouch will be lost forever… seriously… forever.” What kind of ride is this?!?
8:24: Because the ride in completely indoors, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Sure, it was rated a “5” on the thrill meter but c’mon, they’re just trying to be scary and all that, right? Uh huh. It’s tough to describe the way this ride works. Let’s just say that if you took a blender, turn it sideways and added a switch for “Alternating Forward Then Reverse” that might sum it up. I get dizzy even thinking about it. Ben might have soiled himself, I’m not sure. The ride was so intense, I was screaming things like, “Oh no way!” and “Not that again!!” If you’re ever in the park, please ride this thing then call me. It’s one of those kind of rides.
8:49: We stumble out of the park but make sure to buy some candy for Ben. How can you take a trip to an amusement park and not buy candy? Me? I opted for the Pepto-Bismol.
10:27: We arrive back in Louisville. I take a couple of pain killers and drink some milk to settle the stomach and then bask in the glow of Ben relating the day’s events to his mother. Knowing that he had an amazing day makes it all worthwhile. Well, that and knowing someday my stomach will actually stop spinning.
Follow-up: So here we are on the next day and I still have motion sickness. Dramamine barely helps. I might never ride another coaster as long as I live. Ugh.
